I hate New Years Eve

I know I'm probably in a small minority when I say this, but I really don't like New Years Eve and never have done.

When you're younger, New Years Eve means the pressure of having to go out. I can remember frantically ringing round trying to find someone having a party that we could go to. When we were first going out, my ex used to go to Ireland for Christmas and New Year so I'd be stuck at home. My mum would probably be ironing and I'd sit there bored stiff through hours of dire tv.

Now New Years Eve means just me and the girls. I have no real family left and no close friends to go to. Took the girls out to eat and the cinema but now we are back home.

New Years also makes me look back and think what I've achieved over the last year and, to me, it's ever enough!

Anyway I hope that everyone else has a Happy New Year and may you get everything that you deserve in the New Year

Love Riki xxx

Lego

Ed Sheeran - Lego House

I really feel like this should be my theme song for the last few days. Rebecca got some Dr Who Lego for Christmas for her day and it came with 80 pages of instructions. It took two whole days to put together during which time various pieces were lost and found under the couch and there were several collapses including one of epic proportions when psycho cat took a flying leap and landing right on top of it.

I finally finished it last night with the help of a large brandy. Rebecca was very pleased this morning and managed to play with it for five whole minutes before breaking it! So probably not one of her most successful presents.

One present which has been much more successful is the Innotab. This is basically like an ipad for kids and is fantastic. Rebecca has struggled with other laptops designed for kids as most require you to read instructions on the screen. Being dyslexic, this obviously takes her longer and can be frustrating for her. The innotab though is different as all instructions are spoken and appear on screen as well. Also, it is completely touch screen. I would thoroughly recommend the Innotab for any children with dyslexia or any problems with auditory processing or co-ordination.

Bye for now,

Love Riki xxx

Statutory Assessment

I haven't written about this before, but I thought some people might find it useful to read about my experiences. I recently requested a Statutory Assessment for Rebecca. Although her school has I insisted that they are doing all they can for her, even without a fogmal diagnosis of dyslexia, her progress has been slow and tortuous. Her teacher has said several times that she wished she could spend more time helping Rebecca.

I first wrote to the head of the Local Education Authority using a sample letter provided by www.IPSEA.co.uk. This is a fantastic site who offer impartial help and advice to parents with special needs children. I stressed in the letter that I was prepared to appeal if rejected a d to go to a SEN tribunal if necessary.

I was then asked to submit evidence about Rebecca to support my application. I would advise other parents to make this as detailed as possible. I covered all problems she'd had since birth and also quoted the codes of practice that Education Authorities are supposed to follow. I also included copies of all reports I had ever received about Rebecca as appendixes. Her school and the Educational psychologists also provided evidence.

Once my evidence had been submitted iwas I voted to meet with the SEN officer assigned as my caseworker. This was useful as I was able to stress what outcome I wanted. The caseworker then presented my case to the SEN panel and thankfully they agreed! So Rebecca will now receive a full Statutory Assessment and will receive either a statement of special needs or a note in lieu. Either way, Rebecca will get extra help at school. The assessment is still ongoing so I will let you know what happens.

Speak soon, love Riki xxx

Gone in a flash

I spent months preparing for it and scraping money together, spent days wrapping presents and yet it sped by in the wink of an eye. Yep, Christmas is over for another year.

I love watching the kids open their presents and thankfully they were thrilled with everything this year; but once that's over then my spirits always sink a little. I think its the effort to be so bloody cheerful and jolly, including smiling at the ex when he makes his morning visit instead of sitting and working out what hes spent on the girls.

I suppose he should be grateful that he actually managed to see them on Christmas Day this year The stupid man broke his leg off roading on a motorbike in October and has seen the girls only twice since then. He hasn't had them overnight since August either.

So even Boxing Day is over now and it's back to hideous normality and working out whether my overdraft will cover the shopping bill this week or if not, which credit card can i squeeze it onto. My internet assessor contract finishes at the end of February and I seriously need to sort out a replacement job. This has been made even more urgent by my bank realising that I earn nowhere near as much as I used to and deciding to downgrade my bank account. I wouldn't care about this in itself but it also means my overdraft is reduced by 75% from March. I may need to sell a kidney!!!

Good job really that Christmas is over as the Christmas spirit has definitely left me now!

Baa Humbug! And speak to you soon

love Riki xx

Hiding in the bunker! Pass the tin helmet now!

Well, have spent the last few weeks dodging teenage verbal bullets so if I had a bunker then, believe me, I'd be cowering at the bottom.

Things got so bad with the Teenage Drama Queen that I actually appealed to the ex for help. This was after she had been so unremittingly nasty to me that I had ended up in tears for the fourth night running.  Needless to say, he was no use at all and even gave her money for the weekend. I only managed to get through to her a bit when I really told her exactly how she was making me feel which I think surprised her. I don't know how much of this was due to hormones as she has just started her periods too. Anyway, she started to come out of evil teenager mode and apart from a few relapses, she hasn't been too bad for the last week.

I am still having problems with how she treats Rebecca and Rebecca was definitely bothered by her sisters attitude to me. Poor Rebecca has been exhausted anyway as she has been trying again to stop sucking her thumb which means she hasn't slept as well and she is doing her SATS at school. The school has adapted the SATS for Rebecca. Her teacher agreed that it could be demoralising for her and we already know she is below the national averages so there's no benefit in her struggling through the ordinary paper.

On top of all this drama at home, i have been working like a dog at my Internet assessors job and finding it really difficult to fit the required hours in. Shame, because I need as much money as I can get especially with the Teenage Drama Queen's birthday coming up. I'm hoping the ex might help out financially with that, but am not holding my breath!!

If the peace treaty at home holds, there hopefully i will be around more regularly. Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

I Depend On Me

If Russell Crowe walked into my house now, told me he was single and I was the woman of his dreams, what would I do?

This might seem a random question if you didn't know that I'm watching Gladiator at the moment.

Anyway, I honestly think that I'd say Hi Russ, I'm very flattered but no thanks, not at the moment mate. The more I think about it, the more I can see me continuing on my own. I can't see how I could fit a relationship into my life as it stands and make it work. Part of me also doesn't want to have another person to take into consideration all the time. I do miss being in a relationship though, it's the sharing of stuff and having someone to rely on to help instead of knowing that the only person I can rely on is me. It makes you strong, but it's a bloody lonely position to be in.  I swore when the ex walked out that the girls would be my priority in life and they would always know that they come first. If I succeed in that, then nothing else matters really.

This has sort of been my theme song for the last 7 years

However brave I'm being though, Adele still makes me cry...


Bye for now

love Riki

Eeeeek, now this could be interesting!!!

We got an invitation today which was really nice. It's from the ex's family. His cousin's son is having his first Holy Communion and the girls and I are invited. I was really happy about this as I've made efforts to keep in touch with them and they were really nice to me when the ex walked out. But then I had a thought......

The ex is the boy's godfather.

Leaving aside the fact that I don't think he has seen him since his christening, the ex will definitely be invited to this. According to Teenage Drama Queen, her dad and the girlfriend were talking about an invitation at the weekend but changed the subject and wouldn't tell her what it was about when she asked.

You are probably thinking what is the fuss, we have been separated for a long time so what is the problem about both attending? Well, that is what normal people would think, but we are talking about the ex here! Since he walked out, we have only been at the same party once. Funny, that was a Holy Communion too. The ex acted liked a complete prat that day and every time I walked into a room, he walked out. He made the situation so awkward that i ended up apologising to the friends hosting the party. The next time they had a party, he was invited along with the girlfriend and me and the girls were not invited. I was really hurt by that as I had acted maturely and we were the ones pushed out.

The only family function he has attended was a wedding that I couldn't go to anyway.

I am definitely going to this party so it could be very very very awkward especially as the party bit is in a house where it's not easy to avoid people and this time the girlfriend will be in tow as well. I'll be driving so I can't even have a drink for dutch courage.

It's in 4 weeks time so Hello Crash Diet (girlfriend is 10 years younger than me and very skinny) and I definitely need a new outfit. It's silly ,I know, but if I feel that I look good then I'll be able to cope more with whatever happens. If he starts the walking out the room thing again, then I think I'll tell the stupid man to grow up!!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Fight, Fight with all your might. Teenagers can argue all night!!!

Well, it's the end of the Easter holidays and Teenage Drama Queen has finished them in style, Ha! Nothing I have done or said has gone down well with her since they got back from their Dads.

Easter Sunday, she stayed in her bedroom virtually all day on her laptop. I dragged her out for our traditional egg hunt and she did it with such a bad attitude that it ruined it for me. She moaned that the clues were too easy and then tried to push in front of Rebecca every time to get to the eggs and the next clue. Rebecca actually ended up in tears at one point. I told her to grow up and was it the end of the world if she let her little sister get there first? She is sooooo competitive! I'd made a special Easter cake as well which neither of them liked very much so I failed there as well.

Today she got up and said she felt ill again (I should mention that she has been an absolute nightmare to get to bed all through the holiday!) I convinced her that fresh air might help and she came in the garden this afternoon. All she did though was snipe at Rebecca and call her names. Then tonight I tried to get her to bed at ten and it was half eleven before I succeeded. I tried talking to her about her attitude but the only response was how much she hates school and how everything is soooo bad. She really is in the frame of mind where she thinks that no-one could possibly be worse off than her. She does worry me and her attitude to Rebecca seems to be getting worse. She knows all about Rebecca's problems and issues but still persists in calling her weird and other nasty comments. Rebecca already has self esteem issues and it worries me what effect her sister's comments are having.

I am really not sure what to do about her, I hope it's just a phase. She's only thirteen so don't tell me I have years of this type of behaviour to endure! I feel like a really bad, bad mummy for writing this next sentence. I know she's my daughter and i love her unconditionally, but I don't like her very much at the moment.....

Still, it's school for both of them tomorrow so a bit of peace for me and a chance to recover. Bye for now

love Riki xxxxx

Mean Mummy!!

The girls have gone to their Dads overnight and while I am grateful for my 24 hours off from being Super Mummy. I am feeling a bit mean!

Teenage Drama Queen staggered out of bed this morning and announced that she felt ill and didn't want to go to Dads. This is nothing new as she never wants to go. She got no sympathy from me and I told her she had to go as she wasn't staying at home on twitter and facebook all day (how she has occupied herself for the last two days). Anyway she went in the end as she didn't want to leave Rebecca to go on her own. This is the only time she actually gets protective about Rebecca and she does look after her.

So they drove off with the ex who was wearing a really hideous pair of shorts. I keep wondering when his mid life crisis will actually end, it must be stressful keeping up with a girlfriend that much younger than him. Sorry,I got distracted into bitching about the ex, but they went and i went off to Tesco. I was in the middle of shopping when Teenage Drama Queen texted to say she had been violently sick at Dads and felt awful. We had a bit of a conversation and she has been sick a couple of times since then. Rebecca was ill earlier this week (threw up in my bed one night) so she obviously has the same bug.

I just feel like a mean Mummy for making her go today when she did want to stay at home and said she felt ill. Her Dad lives two hours away so he can't just drop her back. I must admit though that part of me is thinking it's good that he has to deal with an illness once. He normally refuses to visit if they are ill in case he catches it. I had to get out of bed with gastric flu once to look after the girls who were ill too.

But still my baby is poorly and I'm not there to look after her. So while i am enjoying the sunshine and sitting in the garden with a beer,I do feel guilty. Aaaaah, the guilts of motherhood!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Running the Mummy Marathon

We watched the London Marathon today, mainly because the ex was running and the girls wanted to try and see him. We had intended to go to London to watch but Rebecca was sick last night and this morning (once in the car, three times on the front room carpet and once in a bowl!).Anyway, we didn't see him but he did finish apparently.

Anyway tonight I got to thinking about everything I had to do today and everything I didn't have time to do and decided my life is like a Mummy Marathon!! Today, I fetched and carried and cleared up after Rebecca who lay on the couch for most of the day, cleaned the kitchen and cleared out some cupboards, did all the washing and got it dry, changed the beds, cooked Sunday dinner, worked for a while on the laptop and did the ironing. I should also mention the time spent consoling Teenage Drama Queen who came home yesterday from holiday with her friend's family and has been depressed every since. She is moping around complaining and generally acting like it is such a bad thing to be home. This hasn't exactly made me feel good...

So all in all, I think the marathon runners may have have it easier today. The London Marathon appeared to be less stressful than the Mummy Marathon.

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

I do love meerkats!

I think we've all had days when we feel like this -

I know I did after the news from ex about divorce but I shook it off and took Rebecca to the zoo to the day which is where we met the meerkat who had collapsed in the sun. We had a lovely day and it reminded me again how lucky i am to have my girls. They are what I fight for every day and the reason why i have 3 jobs and a possible lead on job number 4. I'll say no more about that at the moment but watch this space.

The ex has gone silent. I don't know whether to be worried about that or not. One one hand it could be that he thought I was in a stupid panic about the house and he doesn't need to comment or it could be that he doesn't want to say anything about the house because he has other plans for it. That is the possibility that is worrying me. He pays the mortgage at the moment. It's the only way to keep the house. If he refuses or says he can't afford it anymore, then I will have to sell and I won't have enough to buy anywhere and I don't earn enough for a mortgage. He has never had legal advice before so I am concerned that now his guilt over his actions (cheating while i was pregnant and walking out when Rebecca was only 3 months old) have subsided, the incentive to pay the mortgage has lessened. Especially with his girlfriend's biological clock clanging in his ear like Big Ben!

Worrying won't help me so will try and not think too much about it.

Teenage Drama Queen is having a good time on holiday with her friend's family. I've missed her lots and it's been very quiet but she's texted me every day. I'm looking forward to her coming home on Saturday so we can have a big family hug -

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Hit by a sledgehammer!

No, that didn't really happen but that's what it felt like and it's the reason that I am still up at half 12 tonight.

The ex has filed for divorce....

Don't get me wrong, the fact that this news has knocked me sideways doesn't mean i want him back. God forbid. But it was a bit of a shock as it's taken him 7 years to do it and he told me in a email.

After I'd recovered from the initial shock, I emailed him back reminding him that the last time we discussed divorce, I'd asked him to make a will. We own the house jointly but as I reckon he'll remarry (he denies this!!) and probably have more kids, I need to protect the girls inheritance. I told him I will make a will as well so I then spent time trying to sort that out. My cousin, who I'd want as an executor, is in Rome on holiday so I can't ask her. God knows who I will ask to witness it. I don't have many close friends.

I also think I felt more vulnerable tonight because my eldest is away. She has gone on holiday till Saturday with her friend's family. This is the first time she's been away from home for that long and i know that she is still only 13  but it's another reminder about how quickly she is growing up.

I just feel so gloomy. I didn't expect to feel like this about divorce. I think its more the fact that it's a change. We have bumbled along for 7 years like this and now everything changes. I suppose it's natural to feel sad.

Still onwards and upwards, the marriage and the breakup didn't kill me so I shouldn't be worried about the divorce.

Am off to bed, bye for now

love Riki xxx

Ghosts of Mothers Days past

Well, it's Mothers Day here in the UK and I've had a nice day with my girls. We went for a meal and did a bit of shopping and they got me some nice presents. It's a weird day for me though. My mum is dead so I don't have to buy a card or presents. I was thinking about her today and all I could remember was the Mothers Days when she and my ex's mum would come here for the day, I would run around after them all day and end up completely frazzled. My mum was never that grateful (not even for her present!!)but saw this as her right. After I had Katherine, I did point out that this was Mothers Day for me too, only to be told that it wasn't my turn yet. So basically I hated Mothers Day in some ways, it was just hard work and often quite a bit of grief.

Well, now it is my turn and I know I should be sad about my mum not being here. But I'm not......

I am sad that she was the type of woman that she was, and not the mother that I wanted. So much of my life was overshadowed by her, what she wanted and the fear of upsetting her. I suppose what I do feel is a sense of freedom in some ways and, once again, the determination not to repeat my mum's mistakes. I will not suffocate or control my girls.

So Happy Mothers Day to all mothers and lets all look forwards, not back.

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Taken Over!

My front room is currently covered with 700 copies of Yellow Pages! They have taken over virtually all available space and have completely traumatised psycho cat!

Yes, my job delivering yellow pages started today. Most of the morning was taken up collecting them and then I delivered 200. It all went well apart from the fact that I fell over! I'm such an idiot! I came out of a block of flats and wasn't looking where I was going and fell down a step. Thankfully I was wearing jeans so that protected me but I cut my hands and badly bruised my knee and foot. So tomorrow I will be delivering with a limp!

Am off to soak in the bath to see if that helps as red wine hasn't!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Running on empty

This applies to so much at the moment, my energy levels, my enthusiasm for housework and in particular my car because i can't afford more petrol!

I knew the euphoria of getting the job wouldn't last before day to day stuff dragged me down again. It started with the ex last night. He came over for Rebecca's parents night at school, didn't say a word to the teacher but came back to the house afterwards. We were chatting and I mentioned that Katherine and I had been discussing coming up to London to see him running in the London Marathon. Stupid me, I thought he'd be pleased if his daughters came and showed support. Even Katherine noticed his reaction though. It was very clear that he didn't want us there. I don't know why, the girlfriend isn't running so it's not like we would be causing any awkward situations. I really don't understand that man,I thought I was doing something nice by offering to bring the girls up, plus they would like to see him running.

The second thing that happened annoyed me in two ways. Firstly what he did and secondly I'm annoyed with myself for still being bothered by something like this. To be polite I asked how the half marathon that he had run at the weekend went. But he didn't ask at all about the Internet Assessors job! He probably didn't even remember and there's no reason why he should, but it still bugged me that I asked about what he had done and he didn't show any interest in return. I do get cross with myself that I can feel myself still seeking his approval. I shouldn't care what he thinks at all.

He is coming over early tomorrow to take Rebecca to school so I can go and collect my Yellow Pages for delivery. This means that he will be alone in the house for a while when he comes back to collect his bike. I must go round tonight hiding anything I don't want him to see!!

The only relevant points from Rebecca's parents night were that they may not give her the normal SATs paper at the end of the year. I agreed with her teacher that it could be counter productive as if she struggles too much, it will damage her self esteem. We all know she will not score very well and will clearly be below the national average so what the point of making her feel bad about herself. It will also be done on a one to one basis which I was pleased about. I know dyslexics normally get help with exams and tests but wasn't sure how her school would handle it.

Her teacher was also emphasising their use of "precision teaching" with Rebecca. Basically this means condensing her work into time periods which her attention span can cope with, i.e: 10 - 15 minutes.

So it was all quite positive and basically means we just keep working on with her and see where she is at the end of the year.

Her school has a Mothers Day Tea this afternoon where we can pay to go and have tea and cakes with them. I'm going so am off to the bank now to get some money to pay for it.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Celebration Time!!!

I GOT THE JOB. YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy. They finally emailed me at 7pm last night. So I am just waiting for the contract and joining information to arrive. Just call me Riki Three Jobs from now on.

On a slightly more serious note, I do think that this is the way forward in the current economy. Instead of multi tasking, start multi- jobbing. Especially for single parents where a 9 - 5 office job may just not be feasible.

I'm walking around with a big smile on my face today and nothing will dent my good mood. Especially as I have a free day today so am sorting out the house and this evening we have Rebecca's parent's night.

I am so pleased I just feel like dancing around yelling I Got It, I Got It. So Yayyy me! I am feeling GOOD!

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

The waiting game!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, I still haven't heard about my job yet. I am desperately resisting the urge to sit continually refreshing my inbox to see if their email has arrived. I have been really busy though. Sitting the exam for five solid days meant that I had to push a lot of things to one side. So today I had to go food shopping, wrap up and post some stuff that I sold on Ebay and, of course, talk to you guys. I also have a pile of ironing that, if it falls on him, would kill the cat!

Thankfully Rebecca has dance club straight after school so I have a little more time.

Bye for now and keep those fingers crossed. I REALLY need this job!!!!!

love Riki xxxx

I'm back!

No, I wasn't abducted by aliens or whisked away by George Clooney for a romantic break. I have been taking an online exam for a job as an Internet Assessor. I finished today so normal life can resume again. It's been very intense with a lot to do and a time limit to complete it. I'll hear tomorrow if I passed so fingers crossed. This job is perfect for me. It'll fit in around the kids and will go a long way to solving my money problems.

I was cross with the Teenage Drama Queen today. When I started the exam, I asked her for some help this week and if she would do a few chores. Basically she has done nothing and today she sat on Twitter all day. So from tomorrow I am putting my foot down and limiting her computer usage to two hours per night. She won't be happy but being a parent often means you are not popular. I console myself by thinking that it means that at least I am trying to be a good parent.

I now have three days free until I collect 1100 yellow pages on Thursday for delivery. So normal life will once again be suspended while I traipse the streets.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

In search of motivation!

Well, my get up and go has definitely got up and gone today! I know Mondays are always a bit bleurgh, but this seems to be an exceptionally bad one.

I am still really tired which doesn't help. Rebecca seems to have given up having a full nights sleep at the moment. Yesterday she was up at half past five despite a late night on Saturday and today she was up at six even though we don't have to get up until seven for school. She was hard work yesterday mainly because she was so tired by the afternoon which always impacts on her behaviour. We battled through homework without too much hassle thankfully. She then trashed her bedroon by trying to climb on her chest of drawers and knocking it over. This took two hours to sort out. There was no help from the Teenage Drama Queen who sat on Twitter and Facebook all day despite the fact that she was supposed to be revising for a big maths assessment at school. I can see a battle coming up with her over her computer usage but couldn't deal with it yesterday as Rebecca was taking up my time.

I was supposed to be working today but am so knackered that I managed to move the job to tomorrow. I still need to go the the shops and the bank though. I have the online exam this week for the Internet Assessor job, at this rate I'll be falling asleep over the keyboard doing it. The thought of that is stressing me out as I don't want to think about what I'll do financially if I don't get this job. Yikes!!! To add to my stress, Rebecca has a hospital appointment on Friday when Ii hope that we'll hear that her genetic tests for Fragile X syndrome came back negative. It is expected that they will be negative but I will still worry until I know for definite. I also have to build myself up to push the paediatrician for more help with Rebecca's language skills.

So it does feel a bit like everything is a constant battle at the moment and my energy level is so low that I just want tto hide under the duvet. But instead I am giving myself a mental shake, popping to the shops and then going to spend an hour baking. This is my secret pleasure, it always boosts me and will hopefully make me feel more able to cope with the rest of the day.

So onwards and upwards, bye for now

love Riki xxx

X Factor

I am exhausted but happy. I spent most of today taking my girls to the X Factor tour at the O2 arena. We drove there early and had lunch before the show then hit the merchandise stall. Amongst other things, Rebecca got a pink sparkly cowboy hat so she was very happy.

We were lucky and had fabulous seats right near the stage. I am still slightly deaf from Katherine screaming in my ear at One Direction, her favourite boy band.




It's back down to earth tomorrow with homework and Avon deliveries but it was nice to have a day escaping reality!

I'm off to bed so bye for now

love Riki xxx

What do you lack in your life?

I've been wondering this morning how most single mums would answer that question. I'm sure some would say money and some would say a relationship. But for me the overriding number one thing would be ......SLEEP!

However hard I try, I can never get enough sleep. Last night I made a real effort and got to bed by midnight. At half five I got up for the loo and as Rebecca was in my bed by then, this unfortunately woke her up. I got back into bed to go back to sleep until 7 but, oh no, madam wasn't having any of that! She was singing to herself then talking a a loud stage whisper after I told her to be quiet. Finally, as I was managing to doze off, she started flexing her toes against my leg which hurt so much it completely woke me up. At this point I told her to get out of my bed. No sooner had she left then psycho cat arrived and jumped on my head, clearly thinking that as he could hear me talking, it must be time for me to get up and feed him.

So, I give up. I will have to settle for the bags under my eyes becoming large sacks and settle for my lie in once every six weeks or so when the girls go to their dads.

I can't even plan a little nap today to catch up as I'm helping with face painting at Rebecca's school today to raise money for Comic Relief.

Bye for now (Yawn)

love Riki xxx

Deja vu

I had a sort of deju vu experience last night. The ex came over to see the girls and as usual didn't turn up until 7pm. This deeply annoys me as Rebecca goes to bed at 8 but I feel if he is here I have to let her stay up a bit as she doesn't get to see him that often. He left at 8.45pm so, of course, she is tired today because of the late night. I have asked him to come earlier but he says he can't leave work earlier than that. Funny how he leaves early twice each week to go to his karate class! Priorities, eh??

Anyway, I'm waffling on, back to the deja vu thingy. The ex is using a motorbike again and as he went out the door, I had a sudden flashback to the night he walked out for good. I stood there that night with Katherine crying in the doorway next to me and Rebecca in my arms as we watched him ride away. Last night Rebecca didn't come to the door, Katherine said goodbye to him and then shut the door not even waiting to wave as he rode off. As I said, I suddenly remembered him leaving before and then realised it was the actual anniversary of him leaving seven years ago. I normally do remember this date as it's the day before St Patricks Day and as the ex is of Irish descent, this was a big thing.

I wasn't sad last night about any of this, just surprised to realise it was seven years ago. Perhaps I was a little sad, as always, to think about the things that he misses out on with the girls and sad about how Katherine's attitude has changed regarding her dad. I am never rude or nasty about him to her, but equally I will no longer defend him as I used to do. Katherine is old enough to make up her own mind about him now.

One final thing regarding the ex. I mentioned Easter to him as we normally split the Easter weekend between us. It looks like this year might be the first time that he doesn't see the girls over Easter at all. Priorities again, eh???

Bye for now, I am off to Tesco.

love Riki xxx

Overslept!!!

I was so tired I slept completely through the alarm this morning. Considering that this is Johnny and Lisa on the Capital breakfast show blaring out on the radio, that is some achievement!!

This resulted in screaming panic from me when I realised it was 7.45am as we have to leave for school at 8.20. Amazingly, the teenage drama queen was actually awake and already out of bed. I did question why she hadn't woke me up but she reckoned she didn't know what time it was. Thankfully Rebecca is now fine at dressing herself (although she does still put her socks on back to front!) so by forsaking my cup of coffee we did manage to make it to school just in time.

I hate oversleeping and having to rush in the morning. It throws me for the rest of the day. Tonight won't be particularly restful either as Rebecca has swimming and I need to do some phonics work with her. This isn't anything set by the school but I felt that they didn't seem to be doing anything extra with her at the moment so I'm trying to help her with blending sounds as she still has trouble reading sh and th and ee.

Plus the ex is supposed to be coming to see the girls tonight so I need to tidy up a bit and find time to dye my hair. My grey roots are coming through so badly that I look like a badger!!

So I'm busy, busy, busy! Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Things can only get better!!!!!

Cross your fingers, toes, eyes and legs, rub your lucky rabbits foot for me and wish on any passing stars! I may (whispers in case I jinx it) have got a job. Yaaaaaaay!!!!

I have to sit an online exam next week but if I pass it then I have an 11 month contract. It's working at home as an Internet assessor. A minimum of 10 hours per week and a maximum of 20. The money is good and it's completely flexible so I can fit it in around the kids!!!

This is an absolute godsend as my credit card is creeping up and I am struggling to make ends meet at the moment.

So wish me luck!!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Fitting in

I had a sad little conversation with Rebecca this morning. Well, it made me sad but she seemed OK about it. We were chatting while walking to school and she got the giggles. I kept making her laugh and she said that sometimes she pretended to laugh at school to join in. I'm sure this is something we've all done from time to time if we don't get a joke but it reminded me of something her sister said.

The girls were at their dad's over the weekend and came home last night. Once Rebecca had gone to bed, I was chatting with her sister and asked if Rebecca had been OK over the weekend. Katherine said she was fine but when they were at their Nan's, she seemed a bit out of it and lost and was laughing too loud in an effort to join in with the conversation.

Rebecca's problems with auditory processing mean that it can take her longer to understand things she hears. It's like a listening form of dyslexia. If she is with me, she will ask me to explain and her teacher knows to break down instructions. It's hard though to think of her struggling to keep up with a conversation. It must make her feel quite isolated.

Unfortunately not much appears to be being done to help her cope with the auditory processing problems. The emphasis seems to be on the dyslexia at the moment. She has an appointment with her paediatrician next week so I think I will discuss it with him.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Digging deep

No, this isn't a post about gardening. Although God knows, my garden is in desperate need of a makeover. It's so bad that even the local foxes are looking for somewhere less messy. Instead, I've been reading Brene Brown's book again and something she said has stuck in my mind.

If things get really bad, and it's one of those days when you just want to hide under the duvet and hope the world can't find you, what do you use to help you dig deep and find the strength and energy to carry on and get through it?

You may have the same first reaction as me and think well, I just get on with it. But how do you find the inner strength? I think that for me, it's two things. Firstly, the girls; my children are the driving force for me in everything I try to do. This is strengthened by their Dad letting them down in so many ways. It inspires me to step up to the mark.

Secondly, and you may think this is strange, but I think of everything else I have coped with in the past. It's sort of thinking that if I coped and came through that, then I can cope with anything else that the future throws at me.

I've been reading one of my favourite poems this morning. It's Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. The last stanza always sticks in my mind and seems approriate.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Bye for now and may you find the strength and courage to dig deep when needed.

love Riki xxx

Recharge my batteries

Well, the girls are at the Dads until tomorrow night. I have to say, and I do feel a bad mum for saying it, but I was looking forward for them going. It's been a hard month and I feel quite run down. However, now they have actually gone, I just feel really down and have basically sat on the couch not feeling like I can be bothered to do anything.

It's typical as well that Rebecca had a major tantrum last night and was a nightmare to deal with and today she has gone off all sweetness and light with her Dad. At least I did take advantage of her better mood by getting her to do some homework before he arrived. It's made a real difference writing on the yellow paper. She is definitely reversing her letters less. I sent her school reading books and the coloured overlay to her dads. He didn't look that interested. Rebecca refuses to do any homework with him apart from reading. She said he isn't patient and the last time she tried writing with him, she ended up in tears.

I think I'll end for the local shops. I can't afford to spend much but at least the walk might help get me out of this funk. I'm planning a long bath tonight and a lie in tomorrow so that will be good!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

What the future holds?

I was intending to write about my worries for Rebecca when in four years time she moves to senior school. However, as I am sitting here watching the reports of the Japan earthquake and the tsunami warnings, it seems daft to be worrying about something so far off when no one knows what fate has in store for us and the future can change so quickly. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by this and I pray the impact of the tsunami is less than anticipated!

My panic over Rebecca was triggered by talking to a friend whose severely dyslexic daughter is already at senior school. It does seem that the help given to dyslexics virtually disappears at senior school level which is scary as Rebecca is so well looked after at her primary school. I am even more determined that I must get an official assessment and diagnosis for her even if Ii have to pay for it privately. If she was just dyslexic, it would not be as bad, but she also has the auditory processing problems which is a form of listening dyslexia. I know I worry too much, God, I worry about everything. Her Dad doesn't worry though or show much interest in her development so it does fall totally on my shoulders.

Four years is a long time though so all we can do is keep plugging away and continue to build on her progress.

Bye for now and stay safe wherever you are in the world!

love Riki xxx

Stuck in the swamplands of my soul but striving for optimism!

When I woke up today (or basically when Rebecca woke me up an hour before the alarm by clambering into my bed!) the sky was blue, the sun was shining and it was a crisp bright morning. It's always easy to be happier when the weather is like this and today I have decided to move away from all my dark thoughts, guilt, worries and concerns (the swamplands that I seem to get stuck in continuously!) and I will be happy today and thankful for what I've got.

Firstly my two beautiful daughters. Yes, Rebecca has issues with her dyslexia and auditory processing problems but she is healthy, happy and the most open affectionate little girl I have ever met and she brings joy to my life every single day! Katherine may be a typical teenager but I am thankful for the bond we have and that unlike many of her friends, she will talk to me about anything and everything!

Secondly, I know my marriage broke down in hideous circumstances but if that hadn't happened then I wouldn't have realised how strong I am and would have stayed submerged in a marriage that I didn't realise was suffocating me until it ended.

Thirdly, I lost both my parents withing two years of my marriage ending. The timing sucked but there is no right time for this to happen! My Dad dying was a happy release, as his Parkinson's disease had already taken so much from him. As for my mum dying when she did, hmmm; not a release, a shock and I still have a lot of issues over her and our relationship that I accept now may never be fully resolved. However I am thankful that I understand those issues and their impact on me.

The weather has changed now, the blue sky has clouded over but I am still resolutely keeping that smile on my face. So today, take five minutes and try and find something that you are thankful for.

Bye for now and keep smiling!

love Riki xxxx

Yellow Pages

I am so lucky with Rebecca's school. Even without the formal diagnosis of dyslexia, they are doing so much for her. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was using the coloured reading rulers at home and that yellow seemed to be helping her focus. Not only has the school started using it too, but because her teacher saw it was helping, they have got her a writing book with yellow pages too. Apparently now she has been using this, the amount of letter reversals that she writes has reduced dramatically. They have now given me a similar book to use for her homework. It seems to be very common for dyslexics to have problems focusing on black on a white background. The reading rulers come in different colours and I would definitely recommend trying them.

My title today has a double meaning as I have a job next month delivering Yellow Pages catalogues. It's only a one off thing but the money isn't bad and every little helps!! I'm off now to buy one of the granny shopping trolleys on wheels so that I can push them along. I'll have 1000 to deliver in a week so that will keep me busy!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Getting the balance right

It's nearly half way through the weekend and I am torn by my usual weekend dilemma. Rebecca is at least a year behind the national average in literacy and numeracy and needs extra work. So how much extra work should I do with her at weekends? She has her usual homework and her special maths programme which we will work through tomorrow but I always end the weekend feeling guilty that I haven't done extra work with her. Conversely I also argue with myself that she works twice as hard as some other kids at school so having free time at weekends is also valuable.

It's a tough one to get right and I usually feel that I've failed dismally! Today I  did consciously take the decision not to do any schoolwork with Rebecca. She got up very early and has been a bit tired and grumpy so there's no point in pushing her today. Tomorrow will be homework and that will probably be all we get done. We will read tonight and tomorrow though.

So much about parenting is finding the right balance. I sometimes think being a tightrope walker would be easier.

Bye for now

Riki xxx

Self worth part two.

Well, my sense of self worth took a wallop tonight. We were at a meeting at my eldest girl's school to discuss her GCSE options. While we were walking around looking at the displays, we bumped into one of her friends who was there with her dad. We chatted for a while and I walked away thinking it was a pleasant exchange. My daughter then turned to me and said that I talked too much and that it was awkward because of me. I wanted to crumple on the spot and actually felt tears prickling in my eyes. I tried later to explain to my daughter that she had made me feel really bad and that it was a mean thing to say. I don't know if what I said got through to her but she did apologise.

I have been trying to put into practice Brene Brown's defences against shame and part of this was explaining to my daughter that her comment made me feel ashamed that I had embarrassed her. It's not easy though and I think it's harder when the person who is making you feel like this is your own child.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Self worth

How can you boost a child's sense of self worth? This is a child who is already showered with love by me. She is continually told that she is great and praised and congratulated for every achievement no matter how small. I still get the impression from her that she doesn't quite believe it though and she demonstrates lots of little signs of insecurity that back this up. Perhaps it's part of growing up. She's seven now and even her educational psychologist recognise that she is aware that she struggles with things her peer group find easy. She continually tells me how well she behaves at school and I wonder if she's latched onto that as something she can do better than some of the others.

Hopefully the girl picking on her will stop now. I spoke to her teacher and he was aware of it so it was true. He spoke to the girl and apparently she was much nicer today so we shall see how long it lasts.

I suppose my deepest fear is that Rebecca's low self esteem stems from her dad walking out when she was three months old. She used to say that daddy lived here until I was born and then he left. I have explained time after time that it was nothing to do with her but you don't know how much of that sinks in. It's heartbreaking to think that this might be the case as it's the one thing that i can never fix for her....

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Lies

I'm concerned tonight that Rebecca has been lying to me and I'm a bit concerned about her in general.

Today was her first day back at school and as we were walking home this afternoon, she told me a detailed story about one of her classmates calling her a baby and another boy joining in at lunchtime. I was concerned partly because this was not the first time that this girl has apparently done this although it was the first time that she had got someone else to join in. I was also troubled because Rebecca does act babyish as a defence mechanism when things get too difficult for her and her educational psychologist noted this year that she realises that she does things differently to her peers. So I started to wonder if she was feeling threatened and out of place at school and this girl was making it worse by name calling.

I phoned the school to try and speak to Rebecca's form teacher but he had already left for the day and the school secretary left a message saying that I wanted to speak to him in the morning.

So I thought this was dealt with, I would speak to her teacher and we would sort it out. However, just before bedtime Rebecca told me that the whole thing was a story and she had made it all up. Although this girl had said things in the past, nothing had happened today. She couldn't tell me why she had lied so I told her I was disappointed and that lying was wrong and then she went to bed.

I am not sure though which was the lie. Was it the story? or was she lying and pretending it was a story so that I didn't go into school and speak to her teacher? I really don't know!

I have decided to still have a word with him tomorrow. Partly because he is expecting me to want to speak to him but also just to check that Rebecca is happy and school and see if he is aware of any problems. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Banished!!

I am sitting on my bed with psycho cat as we have been banished from downstairs. Katherine, the Teenage Drama Queen, has a friend sleeping over so the deal was that when Rebecca went to bed, they would move downstairs and I would camp out in my bedroom for the rest of the evening. I don't really mind as I have the laptop, some DVDs and a couple of books but there is still a sense that I can't go downstairs as apparently it is very uncool for your parents to hang around. I went to make coffee and they both stopped talking and stared at me like I was an alien. Her friend is petrified of psycho cat as well so naturally he is following her and staring  and trying to intimidate her.

The reason for this sleepover is that tomorrow (it's a training day for both my girls). I am getting up at 6am and driving them to Lakeside Shopping Centre to queue for wristbands to meet One Direction on  Friday. For anyone who doesn't have a teenage daughter, One Direction are the boy band who came third in last year's X Factor. There are only 500 wristbands and apparently hundreds of teenagers will be descending on Lakeside. The only good point about this is that where we will be queuing is opposite Starbucks so I will be well supplied with caffeine.

What a way to spend the last day of the school holidays!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Black hole

That's what I feel like I am sinking into tonight. I built up this evening in my mind. Katherine, the teenager, is at a sleepover so I envisaged that when Rebecca went to bed, I would suddenly have these extra free hours to accomplish a big long list of things. Of course, reality then threw a dampener on that.

Firstly Rebecca decided to play up about bedtime and it took nearly an hour longer than normal before she fell asleep. Then after clearing up the kitchen, I sorted out my Avon deliveries for tomorrow while fielding several calls from Katherine who apparently doesn't feel well at the sleepover. At this point I gave up, decided to ignore the ironing and other chores and collapsed on the sofa. So I didn't get the long relaxing bath, paint my toenails or watch a DVD like I had planned either.

Having read that paragraph back, it actually sounds like I accomplished a lot so I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself. I think that because I get so little time to myself in the evening, I had unrealistic expectations tonight, which was partly due to it being the end of the half term holiday when I have not had more than five minutes peace and time to myself. For example, today was spent going round Tesco this morning and then helping Rebecca make a shoe box scene for her homework. By the time we finished that, it was time to drop Katherine at the sleepover.

God, I sound whiny tonight. I know I'm not the only person who has it hard and some have it much worse than me. But sometimes it does seem over whelming and that black hole starts to suck me in.

I have just started reading a brilliant book that I wanted to share with you. It's called I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown. I know I wrote recently about feeling guilty for most of my life, but the stuff that Brene writes about shame has definitely struck a chord. I think it also has resurrected issues with my mother and with the ex in my mind which hasn't particularly helped my mood tonight. I am only about a third of the way through the book but I would definitely recommend it.

I'm off to bed now as we have to go and pick up Katherine in the morning and then traipse the streets delivering Avon.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

The perils of ironing

I was going to go to bed without posting today but as I am now sitting here with several ice cubes wrapped in kitchen roll around my throbbing thumb, I thought I might as well type something one handed while waiting for the pain to subside. I always knew ironing was bad for me but it definitely gets worse when you try to iron your thumb as well!

I finally gave in and ironed tonight as, having put it off for several days due to this streaming cold,  the pile of ironing was taller than Rebecca. This is bad as she is very tall for seven!

So, apart from the accidental self harming tonight, it has been a fairly peaceful day. The teenage Drama Queen was in a good mood and even helped hoover.She is at a sleepover tomorrow so it will be a very quiet evening. Rebecca was a bit up and down. I don't know if she was still unsettled after seeing her dad last night. We continued working on her shoebox scene for school and she played in the garden for a while.

It was nice to have a fairly peaceful day as the weekend will be manic, but more about that in my next post. Am off to get some more ice for my thumb.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

No excuses

This post is a bit of a hotch potch of things that have happened today and stuff that I've been thinking about lately so sorry if it rambles a bit or if I jump around different topics

I was intending just to talk about Rebecca and her dyslexia. She has been aware for some time that she has difficulties with things that her peers at school find easy. I have always tried to boost her self esteem as much as possible and celebrated her triumphs. Therefore once her educational psychologist diagnosed dyslexia, I explained this to Rebecca so that she could understand there was a specific reason for her learning difficulties. I am struggling to find the balance between her understanding that dyslexia makes some things harder and her not using it as an excuse to not try something because "I'm dyslexic, I won't be able to do that". At the moment, I am just responding by saying "Yes, you can do it, I'll help you at first and we'll practise together".

I've been making a list of things that Rebecca finds difficult when writing and looking for techniques to help. One of her main ones is confusing b and d. Apparently if your child knows the word "bed", which Rebecca does, then you can use this as a reminder with the b and d forming the head and foot of the bed and therefore showing which way they go. I'm going to try this for a while and see how we go.

The other thing on my mind involves the ex. He turned up tonight for his weekly visit surprisingly early and on a motorbike. My mind went into overdrive as to how he could afford to buy one but apparently it's on loan from a friend. Hmm, curiouser and curiouser. Anyway he sat watching TV with Rebecca and then helped her shower and read a story. When he left, Rebecca started crying and saying that she missed Daddy. He actually then came back into the house as he forgotten something. I explained why Rebecca was upset and basically he just said that he'd see her soon and left. So as usual, I was left to sort her out and comfort her and deal with the questions of why Daddy left.  I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but she's seven now and bright so i don't make excuses for him anymore. I don't say anything nasty about him but equally I don't defend him.

I'm trying to hold onto my resolution not to feel guilt for his shortfalls. It's not easy. I read recently that in life you have to accept that some people are just s**ts and you can't change that and you can't take responsibility for them. It is hard though when the biggest impact is on your kids.

I am suffering tonight with the heaviest cold imaginable. Typical that it hits me during the school holiday. I'm off to bed with a large medicinal brandy now to see if that helps.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Joys of parenting

You know, sometimes I think the cat appreciates me more than the kids! He's always pleased to see me at least! Actually Rebecca is OK at the moment, it's the Teenage Drama Queen acting up! I just spent 40 minutes telling her to go to bed only to then be accused of milking being ill (I have a stinking cold!). Apparently she felt ill all day but didn't make a fuss unlike me. I should point out that my making a fuss only consisted of having a lemsip before going out, sneezing continually and talking with a blocked nose tonight.

The Teenage Drama Queen never mentioned feeling ill all day and was perfectly OK to go shopping for school shoes and party clothes for the weekend and then sit on facebook all evening. I, on the other hand, have spent the evening trying to find ideas for creating a shoebox scene for Rebecca's holiday homework. It has to be a holiday destination and she wants it to be skiing. So I will spend a lot of tomorrow helping her with this. I will help with the drawing of the background and then let her paint it and will have to help with the cutting out. She has special scissors to help with her weak grip and has improved a lot but still needs some guidance.

I must also find time to run the hoover round as the ex is descending on us for his weekly visit in the evening.  If I'm really lucky, I might manage to give him my cold, hee hee..

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Juggling credit cards and stretching the pennies

My daughter, Rebecca, asked me tonight if I had always wanted to be an Avon lady when I grew up. My short answer to her was no, but it fitted in around looking after her so was good at the moment. But it made me think and, although I wouldn't say it to her, I had a real pang of regret for the career I had to give up. I know I was only in the civil service but I was good at what I did and sometimes I do miss it. I certainly do miss the money!!

Yet again I am juggling my credit cards. At the moment everything is on 0% interest rates but unless things change, I could be in the deep doo doo by the end of the year. I know that I should be grateful that my ex pays the mortgage but with two kids money doesn't go far and I hate them going without at all. Especially as their Dad doesn't spoil them at all.

If Rebecca only had dyslexia to contend with, then childcare might be an option. But her problems with auditory processing and difficulties with dealing with large groups have made me rule it out as an option. So most doors in the job market are shut to me, as a job would need to be school hours and term time working only.

So I will keep trying to earn a few extra pennies where I can but it's bad when my hopes of getting my finances straight rest mainly on winning the lottery!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

English Weather - Yuck!!

Well, we didn't make it into London today. We woke up to torrential rain. Normally this wouldn't have stopped us but we had planned to go to Borough Market and then have a walk around the South Bank and pop into Tate Modern. So this would have meant being outside quite a bit and it was cold and Rebecca was grumpy today. So we hung on until lunchtime to see if the weather improved (it didn't) and then jumped in the car and went to do some shopping locally instead. I am now planning to drive up to London tomorrow and we will have a look round one of the museums probably the Natural History as Rebecca likes dinosaurs. I have then promised the girls lunch in Harrods as a treat.

I have been hunting around the Internet tonight trying to find worksheets for dyslexics. It's annoying that I can't find anything as Rebecca had no homework set over the holiday and it would be good to have some ideas of what to work on. I'll keep hunting though

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Normal life is suspended..........

because the kids break up from school today. Don't take this the wrong way, I love having my kids at home but, in some ways, life is easier when they are at school as they are in a routine.

For the next week, Katherine the teenager will adopt the waking pattern of a vampire. That is, trying to stay up all night and hiding under her duvet for the hours of daylight! She is currently only planning one day out with friends and a sleepover at the end of the week so I can expect choruses of "I'm so boooored" and lots of bickering with her sister. Rebecca will be easier to amuse but due to her current obsession with snakes and ladders, I can expect to be playing that for hours each day!

Rebecca's head teacher stopped me on the way out of school this morning to tell me to expect some forms in the post. Apparently he has been pushing again for additional speech and language help for Rebecca and the forms will be for my input on this. I was very pleased about this. Rebecca's problems with auditory processing haven't really been addressed, apart from the school adapting the way she is given instructions.
It'll be interesting to see what help is forthcoming.

I am taking the girls up to London over the weekend so that will keep them busy and out of mischief. Good luck to all parents and carers dealing with the school holiday next week. Have a good one!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

The weight of guilt

I suddenly had an epiphany yesterday and realised that I have been feeling guilty for probably most of my life. You may wonder why I would feel guilty as a child but then again you never met my mother! I never knew my natural father, he wasn't spoken of and I was raised by my mum and my uncle. Initially I was actually led to believe my uncle was my dad and I assumed it was normal for your parents to have separate rooms and never hug or show affection. My mum would have reasoned with me that this was done to protect me but all it did was make me feel we had a big guilty secret that was never talked about. I didn't have friends round as I didn't want them to see my room (I shared with my mum) and I worried about people knowing that we were not a normal family. Nowadays there is nothing shameful about having an illegitimate child but I was made to feel that it was wrong and therefore I was wrong so it had to be hidden. I can also remember an old friend of my mums saying in my hearing that it must be hard when I looked so much like HIM. That added to my guilt.

As I grew older and reached my teens, my mum would make me feel guilty about wanting independence. This even continued after I married when she would actually count how many times we had visited the ex's mum to check if it was more than we had seen her. So my guilt at not being the daughter she wanted was fairly constant!

In the end we lived the other side of London from her and even now I feel guilty that she died alone in hospital as I had no babysitter and couldn't get there every day. She took two weeks to die and I was only able to visit  twice.

I don't think I felt guilty throughout my marriage particularly but boy, did I feel guilty at the breakdown, even though it was him that cheated! I remember reading an article saying that most men don't leave their wife and thinking well, mine did so what did I do wrong? Of course, the guilt about the breakdown effecting the children was all-consuming!!

Finally, we come to Rebecca and her learning difficulties. She has been under assessment for one thing or another for about four years. Every time I was told it was developmental, I'd think what did I do wrong and question whether it was something I did while pregnant. When I read that extreme stress during pregnancy can ;possibly cause developmental delays, the guilt nearly flattened me. It is typical that I blamed myself when the stress was caused by finding out about the ex cheating!

I even realised yesterday that I feel guilty about the ex being such a weak person and the fact that I didn't choose a better man to be my daughters' dad.

Anyway, the point to all this rambling back history of guilt is that I have decided to try and forgive myself. I accept the fact that I disappointed my mother in many ways and will no longer beat myself up for not giving into her control freak ways. I will focus on the positives things from my marriage break up. I am very close to my girls and we have an extremely strong bond. I will accept that their dad will never probably be the perfect father that I wanted for them but realise that he does love them. I can not carry the guilt for his failings, I can only try to be the best mum that I am capable of being.

It sounds cliched but I actually do feel like a weight has been lifted from me. Thanks you for bearing with me through such a rambling post. Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Motivation

I would imagine that it's not always particularly easy to motivate any child with special needs and I appear to have hit a bit of a stumbling block with Rebecca at the moment. The initial euphoria over moving up a reading band has worn off now she is faced with the reality of having to read books that she finds quite difficult. She has spent the weekend trying to avoid reading with me and then after school tonight admitted she found the books too hard. She had tried to swap them back to the lower reading band but her teacher stopped her.

Rebecca does have a tendency to want to give up if something is difficult and she will revert to babyish behaviour as a coping mechanism. Tonight, for example, there was lots of thumb sucking.

In an effort to reach a compromise, I only made her read 8 pages. She did actually read very well and I gave her lots of praise. I can see this being a continuing issue with Rebecca though. I will just have to carry on trying to motivate and encourage her. Bribery is always a good option!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Moving on

I've been thinking tonight about how it takes some people vastly different amounts of time to get over a break up and do you ever truly move on completely?

I have a friend whose marriage broke up before mine who is now happily remarried and another whose marriage fell apart in awful circumstances last year but who is dating again. I, on the other hand, haven't dated at all since the ex left nearly seven years ago.

I suppose I'm just feeling in a bit of a rut and Valentines Day tomorrow hasn't helped. Also, Katherine suddenly wanted to talk about her Dad leaving and made me rehash the whole thing again tonight.

Leaving aside the difficulties of actually dating without having a babysitter, the whole idea of dating scares me stiff and my self esteem is still pretty low. I still think of my ex saying that I really didn't have much going for me and that if he stayed with me, then he just hoped he'd die soon.

Maybe it's not a case of moving on so much as accepting that for people, you do move on, but with emotional scars and they may take longer to heal. I try and believe in karma and having read today about the number of men in their 40s suffering from erectile dysfunction, that's the particular karma that I like to imagine hitting the ex!!!

Good news for Rebecca today. Her eye test showed she has 20:20 vision. The test was the same as normal so they obviously don't change it for dyslexics. I had a frustrating afternoon with Rebecca. We tried to do some homework which involved writing six sentences but her heart wasn't in it today. She didn't want to try so in the end I stopped and will try again after school tomorrow. I've found that it's best to leave things sometimes and other times when she is in the mood, we will do extra work. There's no point in forcing her if the end result is that she just gets stressed. It doesn't achieve anything.

At least there's only one more week till half term, i could do with a few lie ins!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Psycho Cat!

Sorry, I had a very busy Saturday so no time to post. It's now gone 2am on Sunday and I am off to bed but thought I'd leave you a picture of psycho cat in one of his rare calmer moments. Hope to post for longer tomorrow and let you know how Rebecca's sight test goes.

Bye for now

love a very sleepy Riki xxx

Eye Eye

I seem to have spent most of my day in the opticians. This morning, it was for me as I needed a contact lens test. This didn't go as well as I'd hoped as my eyes are still showing sign of oxygen deprivation even after a year of diligently taking them out before 12 hours are up. Anyway, the optician has put me on a three week trial of silicone lenses and if they help, then I will just continue with them. I desperately want to be able to continue wearing contacts as with glasses I look too much like my mother (shudder - but that's a subject for a whole different post, actually stories about my mother would probably fill a whole blog!).

We were then back at the opticians after school for Katherine's eye test. She was fine and pleased to hear that her vision was 20:20. My occupancy of the optician will continue with a visit on Sunday for Rebecca to have her eyes tested. This will be interesting as she hasn't had them tested formally since pre school. I have told them she's dyslexic, but I'm not sure if they alter the test in any way to accommodate that. Her sight is the only thing that hasn't been tested recently so it will be good to get it checked before she sees the paediatrician next month.

Rebecca made it through the cycling day at school OK and seemed happy about it. I felt so sorry for her tonight as we cycled home and people from her class kept passing us while she struggled along on her stabilisers. I kept reminding her that a few months ago, she had trouble even steering at all and now I just have to guide her a little. She got a bit frustrated and there were a few tears. It's hard for her as she has both the weakness in ankles and wrists due to hyper mobility and the problems with her co-ordination to contend with and she is now old enough to realise that she struggles with lots of things that her peers find easy. I just try to praise her for the things that she does do well and remind her how much progress she has made.

I am taking Rebecca shopping tomorrow while Katherine is out with friends. I told her she can have a little present as a reward for her headteachers award. She decided that she would like a new book. It is encouraging that despite her reading difficulties, she has such an intense love of books and stories.

I'm off to chill out now and watch some TV with a large mug of coffee. Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

The Golden Child

Here's the question of the day and it's a bit of a stinker! What do you do when your ex is showing a preference for one of your two children so clearly that the child he shows the preference for has noticed and is feeling bad for her sister??

Basically Katherine, my eldest, noticed some time ago that she appeared to be her Dad's favourite. We talked about it, she won't talk to him about anything personal, and at her own instigation she tried to step back a bit when he visited and force him to interact more with Rebecca. He just ended up watching TV!

Last night, he gave Rebecca £10 as a treat and a reward for getting her Headteachers Award. Then he turned round and still gave Katherine £10 because I'd said she had been better behaved. This came two weeks after he gave Katherine £20 to get her nails done and Rebecca had got nothing!! I have tried speaking to him and saying that it's not fair to give Katherine money and nothing to Rebecca but his reply was Rebecca can have some more when she's older and goes out with friends. He doesn't realise she's seven now and likes to have a little bit of money.

The end result of this was that Katherine felt so guilty that she is giving her £10 to Rebecca and she asked me last night if I thought she was the golden child as far as Dad is concerned and hadn't he wanted Rebecca. She knows he left when Rebecca was only three months old. How do you answer that?? I tried to be fairly truthful and said that Dad maybe had a stronger bond with her as he'd lived with her until she was six. He actually had little interaction with Rebecca until she was nearly two (his choice!)

It's so sad though as I think Rebecca would have been a Daddy's girl if things had been different. She came home from his house at the weekend telling me little stories that Daddy did this with me and Daddy said that. But when I checked with Katherine, she said this was all made up. I really could shake the man at times. I tried to talk to him about her dyslexia again and he asked me again was there definitely no cure for this!

All I can do is continue to support and nurture both girls to the best of my abilities and try and fill the gap that Daddy should be filling. The positive thing is that I am incredibly close to both and we have an amazing bond.

Sorry if this is a bit depressing today but sometimes you just need to rant. I'll try and be more upbeat next time.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Shopping!

I'm off for a little bit of retail therapy today. Only problem is with the state of my finances, it'll have to be bargain basement retail therapy so am heading for Primark! At least my overdraft is a bit better although my credit cards are still creaking!! I superglued my eldest girls school shoe last night so hopefully they will last a few more weeks.

I'll pick up my Avon brochures on the way back. Please God, let there be some big orders!! Failing that, there's always the lottery tonight!! Fingers crossed!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Highs and Lows

Well, it started off as a good evening last night and then went downhill due to some teenage dramatics.

The high point was Rebecca coming home from school with a Headteacher's Award for outstanding progress in reading. She was so thrilled and it has seemed to spur her on to try even harder. She's old enough now to realise that some things seem harder for her than others in her class so positve encouragement really helps her. The diagnosis of dylexia has, at least, meant that I can explain that there is a reason for her difficulties and the other day we even talked about famous people that are dyslexic so that she could see that it's not just her. Her certificate has pride of place in her bedroom at the moment and I have promised her a little reward at the weekend when we go shopping.

The low point of the night was the never ending struggle to get Katherine to go to bed. We have settled on 10pm as a reasonable time but as usual it was about 20 past by the time she was actually in bed. About an hour later I was on Facebook and realised that she was online. I found her in bed listening to music on her phone. When I took her phone off her and told her to go to sleep, I just got a mouthful. This morning, she couldn't get up and only came downstairs as I was leaving to take Rebecca to school. She is only 13 and needs more sleep than she is getting.

I will have the last laugh though. She asked her Dad for money last night to go out at the weekend. I have emailed him this morning and said don't give her any because she doesn't deserve it. Also, as I didn't get an apology, she will lose her laptop for the rest of the week.

It's Tough Love, Baby!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Just another manic Monday

Well, the kids arrived back safely last night and amazingly over an hour early!! Packed them off to school this morning. Rebecca was a bit fretful, I think because she doesn't go to her dad's on a regular basis (his choice!), it takes her a while to adjust. Katherine was just her usual comatose self, she really is not a morning person.

I'm hoping Rebecca is more settled later as we need to take her bike out after school. She has a cycle awareness day on Friday so we need to practise. Her co-ordination is not good, initially it was thought that she had dyspraxia, but i now believe that her dyslexia is probably responsible. Additionally, her hypermobility in her wrists and ankles means that riding a bike is quite difficult for her. She still has stabilizers and needs a bit of guidance steering too. I've offered to go into school on Friday to help with the cycling as I don't want her to struggle but they haven't said yes or no yet.

Am wishing that I'd chosen a different title for this post as I think I'll now be singing the Bangles all day.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Too quiet!

The girls are at their Dad's until tonight and by now I am fed up with just talking to the cat, although at least he doesn't answer back. The house is never this quiet at the weekend. I do normally enjoy my 24 hours off from being full time Mum especially as it doesn't happen that often. Today I feel a bit sad though as it's the girls Nan's birthday and I know that their Dad and his girlfriend are taking her and the girls out. It is still surprisingly hard to think of them doing family things together. Last night I phoned my eldest girl Katherine because Rebecca had left her birthday card for Nanny at home and I was worried she'd be upset. Rebecca had made the card herself and tried really hard to write neatly inside. Whenever she does anything like this, I try to praise her a lot as she is starting to realise that her dyslexia means that it is harder for her to do some things and praise for trying hard with her writing boosts her self confidence. Anyway, I ended up talking to the ex briefly and he made me feel so bad for phoning and intruding that I put the phone down and cried. I hate that he still has the capacity to make me feel crap about myself.

The girls will be back about 8pm so I'm going to spend the day clearing up and doing some housework and sorting through some dyslexia aids I've just got for Rebecca. The best one appears to be something called a Cooler Ruler which is a way of  blocking off parts of long words to help break down the sounds a bit at a time. It only arrived yesterday so we haven't tried it out yet, I'll let you know how we get on.

Bye for now

love Riki xx

How to piss off your ex in under 5 seconds

It's typical, the man has not been early to pick up the girls in SIX years. Today though, we oversleep due to pyscho cat's kamikaze leaping on beds all night waking us up and the ex is early!!!

I had managed to get dressed and so had Rebecca but we hadn't had breakfast and Katherine, my eldest - also known as Teenage Drama Queen, was still in pyjamas.

I managed somehow to get them ready and out the door in under the hour but could see how impatient he was getting. I did make him wait while Rebecca did her maths homework with me. She is working on a fantastic maths programme called Power Of 2 which I'd highly recommend for any dyslexics.

So, anyway the girls are off till tomorrow night and I am now out working for the rest of the day.

love Riki xxx

The dating game

I've just got back from the school run, having walked home with one of the other mums, a well meaning but somewhat tedious conversationalist. Normally she just talks at me and I try to remember to smile and nod in the right places while sleepwalking my way up the road. However, today she exhausted herself as a topic of conversation and decided to start on my love life, or rather lack of it.

Apparently I really should start dating and getting out there to meet a nice man. She did stop short of offering to babysit for me, even though she knows their Dad having the girls is a sporadic occurrence. The clincher though was when she told me to try some dating websites as I was bound to meet a nice chap on there. I didn't like to tell her that the last time I tried a dating website, the only man to approach me was a 77 year old calling himself "Red Hot Percy".

I have been on my own for quite a while now and although the thought of dating again is scary, it would be nice to have someone. It'll be difficult to find someone who's prepared to take on psycho cat though!

I'm off to Tesco now, God, my life is one long social whirl of excitement! Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Good news

My youngest daughter, Rebecca, had a reading assessment yesterday at school and has been moved up to the next book band. She was so proud of herself! It still means that her reading age is about a year behind but it's a great achievement. Her dyslexia has only just been diagnosed and she still hasn't has a formal assessment (for some reason her Educational Psychologist won't do that until she is eight) but she is receiving all the help that she would get with a formal assessment anyway.

It's been a hard few years for Rebecca. She was a happy contented baby who never cried and met all her targets apart from walking. She didn't actually walk until she was 17 months but her health visitor didn't seem concerned and thought it was just because she was very big and heavy. Rebecca was one of those gorgeous chubby babies with dimpled legs! It was only when she started nursery that any concerns were raised. The nursery called in the local Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator to assess Rebecca for dyspraxia. This was ruled out and as she was improving, any problems were felt to be developmental.

By the time Rebecca started school, her balance was still a bit wobbly and she was holding her pencil in a fist to write. Initially the school put the delays in writing down to her being left handed, but half way through her Reception year, Rebecca got a new teacher who also took over co-ordinating special needs for the school. He immediately set things in motion to get proper assessments for Rebecca and things have improved dramatically since then.

Rebecca sees a paediatrician who referred her for physiotherapy and occupational therapy. Her hearing was tested and found to be fine. She had blood tests to check her thyroid and we are currently awaiting for results of tests for Fragile X syndrome. In addition the school has arranged for speech therapy and Rebecca has "validated hours" which basically gives her a guaranteed amount of one on one help per week.

This, and Rebecca's own determination, has helped her make so much progress. She has hyper mobility in lots of joints so we have worked at strengthening those, she has a special pencil to write with which has helped enormously (stabilo left handed pencil) and her speech is much clearer now.

For Rebecca, dyslexia will obviously be an ongoing problem to deal with throughout her life. She also has severe auditory processing problems which is probably linked to the dyslexia and means that complex or detailed instructions or information are difficult for her deal with. She is a happy little girl though, who deals with everything with a smile and a hug from her is the quickest way to brighten up my day. I am constantly searching for new tools or methods too try and help her and hope to use this blog to pass on any information that others may find useful.

To end on a lighter note, the pyscho cat is now being rechristened Ninja Puss as last night he jumped up on the couch behind my ex and with both front paws proceeded to box him round the head. I swear my ex thinks I trained him to do this, but I didn't, hee hee.

love Riki xxx

Where to start??

Yikes, I'm not often lost for words but knowing where to begin this blog has momentarily stumped me!

OK, here goes. Who am I? I'm a 44 year old single Mum living with my two kids and a psycho cat! Still legally married, partly cos I couldn't face the divorce process initially and now mainly cos I can't afford to pay for it and my ex won't. Now that I've mentioned the ex, I might as well get him out of the way. We met when I was nineteen, got married when I was 26 and then ten years later, when I was eight months pregnant with our second child, I found out that he was having an affair. It turned out that he had numerous affairs while we were married and, to cut a long and tedious story short, he walked out leaving me with a three month old baby and a six year old. I should add that this all happened a month after my dad died too. Really, Eastenders could use my life for inspiration if they run out out plots!

So that's the sob story out of the way. I now work as a mystery shopper and Avon lady, having used to be a quite well paid civil servant. However I now need to fit work around school hours and holidays. Partly because of the learning difficulties of my youngest and this is where the dyslexia from the blog title comes in. But more about that on another day.

Finally, why start a blog? I suppose, why not? I know some people make money from it but I'm realistic and don't expect to make a fortune this way. I suppose i just feel the need to talk, I don't have many close friends, and if someone likes what I write and can relate to it then that's a bonus.

Well, that's all for my introduction. The ex is visiting the girls tonight so I have to go and attempt to tidy up my bombsite of a house so that he doesn't think I'm a total Scummy Mummy. Also the psycho cat has appeared mewing for food and he tends to attack if it's late!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx