Black hole

That's what I feel like I am sinking into tonight. I built up this evening in my mind. Katherine, the teenager, is at a sleepover so I envisaged that when Rebecca went to bed, I would suddenly have these extra free hours to accomplish a big long list of things. Of course, reality then threw a dampener on that.

Firstly Rebecca decided to play up about bedtime and it took nearly an hour longer than normal before she fell asleep. Then after clearing up the kitchen, I sorted out my Avon deliveries for tomorrow while fielding several calls from Katherine who apparently doesn't feel well at the sleepover. At this point I gave up, decided to ignore the ironing and other chores and collapsed on the sofa. So I didn't get the long relaxing bath, paint my toenails or watch a DVD like I had planned either.

Having read that paragraph back, it actually sounds like I accomplished a lot so I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself. I think that because I get so little time to myself in the evening, I had unrealistic expectations tonight, which was partly due to it being the end of the half term holiday when I have not had more than five minutes peace and time to myself. For example, today was spent going round Tesco this morning and then helping Rebecca make a shoe box scene for her homework. By the time we finished that, it was time to drop Katherine at the sleepover.

God, I sound whiny tonight. I know I'm not the only person who has it hard and some have it much worse than me. But sometimes it does seem over whelming and that black hole starts to suck me in.

I have just started reading a brilliant book that I wanted to share with you. It's called I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown. I know I wrote recently about feeling guilty for most of my life, but the stuff that Brene writes about shame has definitely struck a chord. I think it also has resurrected issues with my mother and with the ex in my mind which hasn't particularly helped my mood tonight. I am only about a third of the way through the book but I would definitely recommend it.

I'm off to bed now as we have to go and pick up Katherine in the morning and then traipse the streets delivering Avon.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx