Thursday 31 March 2011

Taken Over!

My front room is currently covered with 700 copies of Yellow Pages! They have taken over virtually all available space and have completely traumatised psycho cat!

Yes, my job delivering yellow pages started today. Most of the morning was taken up collecting them and then I delivered 200. It all went well apart from the fact that I fell over! I'm such an idiot! I came out of a block of flats and wasn't looking where I was going and fell down a step. Thankfully I was wearing jeans so that protected me but I cut my hands and badly bruised my knee and foot. So tomorrow I will be delivering with a limp!

Am off to soak in the bath to see if that helps as red wine hasn't!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Wednesday 30 March 2011

Running on empty

This applies to so much at the moment, my energy levels, my enthusiasm for housework and in particular my car because i can't afford more petrol!

I knew the euphoria of getting the job wouldn't last before day to day stuff dragged me down again. It started with the ex last night. He came over for Rebecca's parents night at school, didn't say a word to the teacher but came back to the house afterwards. We were chatting and I mentioned that Katherine and I had been discussing coming up to London to see him running in the London Marathon. Stupid me, I thought he'd be pleased if his daughters came and showed support. Even Katherine noticed his reaction though. It was very clear that he didn't want us there. I don't know why, the girlfriend isn't running so it's not like we would be causing any awkward situations. I really don't understand that man,I thought I was doing something nice by offering to bring the girls up, plus they would like to see him running.

The second thing that happened annoyed me in two ways. Firstly what he did and secondly I'm annoyed with myself for still being bothered by something like this. To be polite I asked how the half marathon that he had run at the weekend went. But he didn't ask at all about the Internet Assessors job! He probably didn't even remember and there's no reason why he should, but it still bugged me that I asked about what he had done and he didn't show any interest in return. I do get cross with myself that I can feel myself still seeking his approval. I shouldn't care what he thinks at all.

He is coming over early tomorrow to take Rebecca to school so I can go and collect my Yellow Pages for delivery. This means that he will be alone in the house for a while when he comes back to collect his bike. I must go round tonight hiding anything I don't want him to see!!

The only relevant points from Rebecca's parents night were that they may not give her the normal SATs paper at the end of the year. I agreed with her teacher that it could be counter productive as if she struggles too much, it will damage her self esteem. We all know she will not score very well and will clearly be below the national average so what the point of making her feel bad about herself. It will also be done on a one to one basis which I was pleased about. I know dyslexics normally get help with exams and tests but wasn't sure how her school would handle it.

Her teacher was also emphasising their use of "precision teaching" with Rebecca. Basically this means condensing her work into time periods which her attention span can cope with, i.e: 10 - 15 minutes.

So it was all quite positive and basically means we just keep working on with her and see where she is at the end of the year.

Her school has a Mothers Day Tea this afternoon where we can pay to go and have tea and cakes with them. I'm going so am off to the bank now to get some money to pay for it.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Tuesday 29 March 2011

Celebration Time!!!


I GOT THE JOB. YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy. They finally emailed me at 7pm last night. So I am just waiting for the contract and joining information to arrive. Just call me Riki Three Jobs from now on.

On a slightly more serious note, I do think that this is the way forward in the current economy. Instead of multi tasking, start multi- jobbing. Especially for single parents where a 9 - 5 office job may just not be feasible.

I'm walking around with a big smile on my face today and nothing will dent my good mood. Especially as I have a free day today so am sorting out the house and this evening we have Rebecca's parent's night.

I am so pleased I just feel like dancing around yelling I Got It, I Got It. So Yayyy me! I am feeling GOOD!



Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Monday 28 March 2011

The waiting game!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, I still haven't heard about my job yet. I am desperately resisting the urge to sit continually refreshing my inbox to see if their email has arrived. I have been really busy though. Sitting the exam for five solid days meant that I had to push a lot of things to one side. So today I had to go food shopping, wrap up and post some stuff that I sold on Ebay and, of course, talk to you guys. I also have a pile of ironing that, if it falls on him, would kill the cat!

Thankfully Rebecca has dance club straight after school so I have a little more time.

Bye for now and keep those fingers crossed. I REALLY need this job!!!!!

love Riki xxxx

Sunday 27 March 2011

I'm back!

No, I wasn't abducted by aliens or whisked away by George Clooney for a romantic break. I have been taking an online exam for a job as an Internet Assessor. I finished today so normal life can resume again. It's been very intense with a lot to do and a time limit to complete it. I'll hear tomorrow if I passed so fingers crossed. This job is perfect for me. It'll fit in around the kids and will go a long way to solving my money problems.

I was cross with the Teenage Drama Queen today. When I started the exam, I asked her for some help this week and if she would do a few chores. Basically she has done nothing and today she sat on Twitter all day. So from tomorrow I am putting my foot down and limiting her computer usage to two hours per night. She won't be happy but being a parent often means you are not popular. I console myself by thinking that it means that at least I am trying to be a good parent.

I now have three days free until I collect 1100 yellow pages on Thursday for delivery. So normal life will once again be suspended while I traipse the streets.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Monday 21 March 2011

In search of motivation!

Well, my get up and go has definitely got up and gone today! I know Mondays are always a bit bleurgh, but this seems to be an exceptionally bad one.

I am still really tired which doesn't help. Rebecca seems to have given up having a full nights sleep at the moment. Yesterday she was up at half past five despite a late night on Saturday and today she was up at six even though we don't have to get up until seven for school. She was hard work yesterday mainly because she was so tired by the afternoon which always impacts on her behaviour. We battled through homework without too much hassle thankfully. She then trashed her bedroon by trying to climb on her chest of drawers and knocking it over. This took two hours to sort out. There was no help from the Teenage Drama Queen who sat on Twitter and Facebook all day despite the fact that she was supposed to be revising for a big maths assessment at school. I can see a battle coming up with her over her computer usage but couldn't deal with it yesterday as Rebecca was taking up my time.

I was supposed to be working today but am so knackered that I managed to move the job to tomorrow. I still need to go the the shops and the bank though. I have the online exam this week for the Internet Assessor job, at this rate I'll be falling asleep over the keyboard doing it. The thought of that is stressing me out as I don't want to think about what I'll do financially if I don't get this job. Yikes!!! To add to my stress, Rebecca has a hospital appointment on Friday when Ii hope that we'll hear that her genetic tests for Fragile X syndrome came back negative. It is expected that they will be negative but I will still worry until I know for definite. I also have to build myself up to push the paediatrician for more help with Rebecca's language skills.

So it does feel a bit like everything is a constant battle at the moment and my energy level is so low that I just want tto hide under the duvet. But instead I am giving myself a mental shake, popping to the shops and then going to spend an hour baking. This is my secret pleasure, it always boosts me and will hopefully make me feel more able to cope with the rest of the day.

So onwards and upwards, bye for now

love Riki xxx

Saturday 19 March 2011

X Factor

I am exhausted but happy. I spent most of today taking my girls to the X Factor tour at the O2 arena. We drove there early and had lunch before the show then hit the merchandise stall. Amongst other things, Rebecca got a pink sparkly cowboy hat so she was very happy.

We were lucky and had fabulous seats right near the stage. I am still slightly deaf from Katherine screaming in my ear at One Direction, her favourite boy band.




It's back down to earth tomorrow with homework and Avon deliveries but it was nice to have a day escaping reality!

I'm off to bed so bye for now

love Riki xxx

Friday 18 March 2011

What do you lack in your life?

I've been wondering this morning how most single mums would answer that question. I'm sure some would say money and some would say a relationship. But for me the overriding number one thing would be ......SLEEP!

However hard I try, I can never get enough sleep. Last night I made a real effort and got to bed by midnight. At half five I got up for the loo and as Rebecca was in my bed by then, this unfortunately woke her up. I got back into bed to go back to sleep until 7 but, oh no, madam wasn't having any of that! She was singing to herself then talking a a loud stage whisper after I told her to be quiet. Finally, as I was managing to doze off, she started flexing her toes against my leg which hurt so much it completely woke me up. At this point I told her to get out of my bed. No sooner had she left then psycho cat arrived and jumped on my head, clearly thinking that as he could hear me talking, it must be time for me to get up and feed him.

So, I give up. I will have to settle for the bags under my eyes becoming large sacks and settle for my lie in once every six weeks or so when the girls go to their dads.

I can't even plan a little nap today to catch up as I'm helping with face painting at Rebecca's school today to raise money for Comic Relief.

Bye for now (Yawn)

love Riki xxx

Thursday 17 March 2011

Deja vu

I had a sort of deju vu experience last night. The ex came over to see the girls and as usual didn't turn up until 7pm. This deeply annoys me as Rebecca goes to bed at 8 but I feel if he is here I have to let her stay up a bit as she doesn't get to see him that often. He left at 8.45pm so, of course, she is tired today because of the late night. I have asked him to come earlier but he says he can't leave work earlier than that. Funny how he leaves early twice each week to go to his karate class! Priorities, eh??

Anyway, I'm waffling on, back to the deja vu thingy. The ex is using a motorbike again and as he went out the door, I had a sudden flashback to the night he walked out for good. I stood there that night with Katherine crying in the doorway next to me and Rebecca in my arms as we watched him ride away. Last night Rebecca didn't come to the door, Katherine said goodbye to him and then shut the door not even waiting to wave as he rode off. As I said, I suddenly remembered him leaving before and then realised it was the actual anniversary of him leaving seven years ago. I normally do remember this date as it's the day before St Patricks Day and as the ex is of Irish descent, this was a big thing.

I wasn't sad last night about any of this, just surprised to realise it was seven years ago. Perhaps I was a little sad, as always, to think about the things that he misses out on with the girls and sad about how Katherine's attitude has changed regarding her dad. I am never rude or nasty about him to her, but equally I will no longer defend him as I used to do. Katherine is old enough to make up her own mind about him now.

One final thing regarding the ex. I mentioned Easter to him as we normally split the Easter weekend between us. It looks like this year might be the first time that he doesn't see the girls over Easter at all. Priorities again, eh???

Bye for now, I am off to Tesco.

love Riki xxx

Wednesday 16 March 2011

Overslept!!!

I was so tired I slept completely through the alarm this morning. Considering that this is Johnny and Lisa on the Capital breakfast show blaring out on the radio, that is some achievement!!

This resulted in screaming panic from me when I realised it was 7.45am as we have to leave for school at 8.20. Amazingly, the teenage drama queen was actually awake and already out of bed. I did question why she hadn't woke me up but she reckoned she didn't know what time it was. Thankfully Rebecca is now fine at dressing herself (although she does still put her socks on back to front!) so by forsaking my cup of coffee we did manage to make it to school just in time.

I hate oversleeping and having to rush in the morning. It throws me for the rest of the day. Tonight won't be particularly restful either as Rebecca has swimming and I need to do some phonics work with her. This isn't anything set by the school but I felt that they didn't seem to be doing anything extra with her at the moment so I'm trying to help her with blending sounds as she still has trouble reading sh and th and ee.

Plus the ex is supposed to be coming to see the girls tonight so I need to tidy up a bit and find time to dye my hair. My grey roots are coming through so badly that I look like a badger!!

So I'm busy, busy, busy! Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Tuesday 15 March 2011

Things can only get better!!!!!

Cross your fingers, toes, eyes and legs, rub your lucky rabbits foot for me and wish on any passing stars! I may (whispers in case I jinx it) have got a job. Yaaaaaaay!!!!

I have to sit an online exam next week but if I pass it then I have an 11 month contract. It's working at home as an Internet assessor. A minimum of 10 hours per week and a maximum of 20. The money is good and it's completely flexible so I can fit it in around the kids!!!

This is an absolute godsend as my credit card is creeping up and I am struggling to make ends meet at the moment.

So wish me luck!!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Monday 14 March 2011

Fitting in

I had a sad little conversation with Rebecca this morning. Well, it made me sad but she seemed OK about it. We were chatting while walking to school and she got the giggles. I kept making her laugh and she said that sometimes she pretended to laugh at school to join in. I'm sure this is something we've all done from time to time if we don't get a joke but it reminded me of something her sister said.

The girls were at their dad's over the weekend and came home last night. Once Rebecca had gone to bed, I was chatting with her sister and asked if Rebecca had been OK over the weekend. Katherine said she was fine but when they were at their Nan's, she seemed a bit out of it and lost and was laughing too loud in an effort to join in with the conversation.

Rebecca's problems with auditory processing mean that it can take her longer to understand things she hears. It's like a listening form of dyslexia. If she is with me, she will ask me to explain and her teacher knows to break down instructions. It's hard though to think of her struggling to keep up with a conversation. It must make her feel quite isolated.

Unfortunately not much appears to be being done to help her cope with the auditory processing problems. The emphasis seems to be on the dyslexia at the moment. She has an appointment with her paediatrician next week so I think I will discuss it with him.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Sunday 13 March 2011

Digging deep

No, this isn't a post about gardening. Although God knows, my garden is in desperate need of a makeover. It's so bad that even the local foxes are looking for somewhere less messy. Instead, I've been reading Brene Brown's book again and something she said has stuck in my mind.

If things get really bad, and it's one of those days when you just want to hide under the duvet and hope the world can't find you, what do you use to help you dig deep and find the strength and energy to carry on and get through it?

You may have the same first reaction as me and think well, I just get on with it. But how do you find the inner strength? I think that for me, it's two things. Firstly, the girls; my children are the driving force for me in everything I try to do. This is strengthened by their Dad letting them down in so many ways. It inspires me to step up to the mark.

Secondly, and you may think this is strange, but I think of everything else I have coped with in the past. It's sort of thinking that if I coped and came through that, then I can cope with anything else that the future throws at me.

I've been reading one of my favourite poems this morning. It's Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. The last stanza always sticks in my mind and seems approriate.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Bye for now and may you find the strength and courage to dig deep when needed.

love Riki xxx

Saturday 12 March 2011

Recharge my batteries

Well, the girls are at the Dads until tomorrow night. I have to say, and I do feel a bad mum for saying it, but I was looking forward for them going. It's been a hard month and I feel quite run down. However, now they have actually gone, I just feel really down and have basically sat on the couch not feeling like I can be bothered to do anything.

It's typical as well that Rebecca had a major tantrum last night and was a nightmare to deal with and today she has gone off all sweetness and light with her Dad. At least I did take advantage of her better mood by getting her to do some homework before he arrived. It's made a real difference writing on the yellow paper. She is definitely reversing her letters less. I sent her school reading books and the coloured overlay to her dads. He didn't look that interested. Rebecca refuses to do any homework with him apart from reading. She said he isn't patient and the last time she tried writing with him, she ended up in tears.

I think I'll end for the local shops. I can't afford to spend much but at least the walk might help get me out of this funk. I'm planning a long bath tonight and a lie in tomorrow so that will be good!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Friday 11 March 2011

What the future holds?

I was intending to write about my worries for Rebecca when in four years time she moves to senior school. However, as I am sitting here watching the reports of the Japan earthquake and the tsunami warnings, it seems daft to be worrying about something so far off when no one knows what fate has in store for us and the future can change so quickly. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by this and I pray the impact of the tsunami is less than anticipated!

My panic over Rebecca was triggered by talking to a friend whose severely dyslexic daughter is already at senior school. It does seem that the help given to dyslexics virtually disappears at senior school level which is scary as Rebecca is so well looked after at her primary school. I am even more determined that I must get an official assessment and diagnosis for her even if Ii have to pay for it privately. If she was just dyslexic, it would not be as bad, but she also has the auditory processing problems which is a form of listening dyslexia. I know I worry too much, God, I worry about everything. Her Dad doesn't worry though or show much interest in her development so it does fall totally on my shoulders.

Four years is a long time though so all we can do is keep plugging away and continue to build on her progress.

Bye for now and stay safe wherever you are in the world!

love Riki xxx

Wednesday 9 March 2011

Stuck in the swamplands of my soul but striving for optimism!

When I woke up today (or basically when Rebecca woke me up an hour before the alarm by clambering into my bed!) the sky was blue, the sun was shining and it was a crisp bright morning. It's always easy to be happier when the weather is like this and today I have decided to move away from all my dark thoughts, guilt, worries and concerns (the swamplands that I seem to get stuck in continuously!) and I will be happy today and thankful for what I've got.

Firstly my two beautiful daughters. Yes, Rebecca has issues with her dyslexia and auditory processing problems but she is healthy, happy and the most open affectionate little girl I have ever met and she brings joy to my life every single day! Katherine may be a typical teenager but I am thankful for the bond we have and that unlike many of her friends, she will talk to me about anything and everything!

Secondly, I know my marriage broke down in hideous circumstances but if that hadn't happened then I wouldn't have realised how strong I am and would have stayed submerged in a marriage that I didn't realise was suffocating me until it ended.

Thirdly, I lost both my parents withing two years of my marriage ending. The timing sucked but there is no right time for this to happen! My Dad dying was a happy release, as his Parkinson's disease had already taken so much from him. As for my mum dying when she did, hmmm; not a release, a shock and I still have a lot of issues over her and our relationship that I accept now may never be fully resolved. However I am thankful that I understand those issues and their impact on me.

The weather has changed now, the blue sky has clouded over but I am still resolutely keeping that smile on my face. So today, take five minutes and try and find something that you are thankful for.

Bye for now and keep smiling!

love Riki xxxx

Monday 7 March 2011

Yellow Pages

I am so lucky with Rebecca's school. Even without the formal diagnosis of dyslexia, they are doing so much for her. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was using the coloured reading rulers at home and that yellow seemed to be helping her focus. Not only has the school started using it too, but because her teacher saw it was helping, they have got her a writing book with yellow pages too. Apparently now she has been using this, the amount of letter reversals that she writes has reduced dramatically. They have now given me a similar book to use for her homework. It seems to be very common for dyslexics to have problems focusing on black on a white background. The reading rulers come in different colours and I would definitely recommend trying them.

My title today has a double meaning as I have a job next month delivering Yellow Pages catalogues. It's only a one off thing but the money isn't bad and every little helps!! I'm off now to buy one of the granny shopping trolleys on wheels so that I can push them along. I'll have 1000 to deliver in a week so that will keep me busy!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Saturday 5 March 2011

Getting the balance right

It's nearly half way through the weekend and I am torn by my usual weekend dilemma. Rebecca is at least a year behind the national average in literacy and numeracy and needs extra work. So how much extra work should I do with her at weekends? She has her usual homework and her special maths programme which we will work through tomorrow but I always end the weekend feeling guilty that I haven't done extra work with her. Conversely I also argue with myself that she works twice as hard as some other kids at school so having free time at weekends is also valuable.

It's a tough one to get right and I usually feel that I've failed dismally! Today I  did consciously take the decision not to do any schoolwork with Rebecca. She got up very early and has been a bit tired and grumpy so there's no point in pushing her today. Tomorrow will be homework and that will probably be all we get done. We will read tonight and tomorrow though.

So much about parenting is finding the right balance. I sometimes think being a tightrope walker would be easier.

Bye for now

Riki xxx

Thursday 3 March 2011

Self worth part two.

Well, my sense of self worth took a wallop tonight. We were at a meeting at my eldest girl's school to discuss her GCSE options. While we were walking around looking at the displays, we bumped into one of her friends who was there with her dad. We chatted for a while and I walked away thinking it was a pleasant exchange. My daughter then turned to me and said that I talked too much and that it was awkward because of me. I wanted to crumple on the spot and actually felt tears prickling in my eyes. I tried later to explain to my daughter that she had made me feel really bad and that it was a mean thing to say. I don't know if what I said got through to her but she did apologise.

I have been trying to put into practice Brene Brown's defences against shame and part of this was explaining to my daughter that her comment made me feel ashamed that I had embarrassed her. It's not easy though and I think it's harder when the person who is making you feel like this is your own child.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Wednesday 2 March 2011

Self worth

How can you boost a child's sense of self worth? This is a child who is already showered with love by me. She is continually told that she is great and praised and congratulated for every achievement no matter how small. I still get the impression from her that she doesn't quite believe it though and she demonstrates lots of little signs of insecurity that back this up. Perhaps it's part of growing up. She's seven now and even her educational psychologist recognise that she is aware that she struggles with things her peer group find easy. She continually tells me how well she behaves at school and I wonder if she's latched onto that as something she can do better than some of the others.

Hopefully the girl picking on her will stop now. I spoke to her teacher and he was aware of it so it was true. He spoke to the girl and apparently she was much nicer today so we shall see how long it lasts.

I suppose my deepest fear is that Rebecca's low self esteem stems from her dad walking out when she was three months old. She used to say that daddy lived here until I was born and then he left. I have explained time after time that it was nothing to do with her but you don't know how much of that sinks in. It's heartbreaking to think that this might be the case as it's the one thing that i can never fix for her....

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Tuesday 1 March 2011

Lies

I'm concerned tonight that Rebecca has been lying to me and I'm a bit concerned about her in general.

Today was her first day back at school and as we were walking home this afternoon, she told me a detailed story about one of her classmates calling her a baby and another boy joining in at lunchtime. I was concerned partly because this was not the first time that this girl has apparently done this although it was the first time that she had got someone else to join in. I was also troubled because Rebecca does act babyish as a defence mechanism when things get too difficult for her and her educational psychologist noted this year that she realises that she does things differently to her peers. So I started to wonder if she was feeling threatened and out of place at school and this girl was making it worse by name calling.

I phoned the school to try and speak to Rebecca's form teacher but he had already left for the day and the school secretary left a message saying that I wanted to speak to him in the morning.

So I thought this was dealt with, I would speak to her teacher and we would sort it out. However, just before bedtime Rebecca told me that the whole thing was a story and she had made it all up. Although this girl had said things in the past, nothing had happened today. She couldn't tell me why she had lied so I told her I was disappointed and that lying was wrong and then she went to bed.

I am not sure though which was the lie. Was it the story? or was she lying and pretending it was a story so that I didn't go into school and speak to her teacher? I really don't know!

I have decided to still have a word with him tomorrow. Partly because he is expecting me to want to speak to him but also just to check that Rebecca is happy and school and see if he is aware of any problems. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx