Death

I know nobody is particularly keen on the thought of dying; but I am absolutely and completely terrified and the feeling has got worse as I've grown older.

Eastenders set me off tonight as it was the extended episode with the death of Pat. At first I was upset because it reminded me of when my mum died and brought back my guilt about her dying alone. I then got depressed because its my birthday in two weeks and my mum was only 8 years older than mecwhdn she got cancer the first time.

Now I just feel bad because I know I'm quite unhealthy at the moment and really need to lose some weight. I eat when I'm stressed so, with my life, that's fairly constant!

Only way I can manage to snap myself out of this mood generally is by thinking yes, we all die including me, but it won't be today.

NOT TODAY!

Love Riki xxx

I hate New Years Eve

I know I'm probably in a small minority when I say this, but I really don't like New Years Eve and never have done.

When you're younger, New Years Eve means the pressure of having to go out. I can remember frantically ringing round trying to find someone having a party that we could go to. When we were first going out, my ex used to go to Ireland for Christmas and New Year so I'd be stuck at home. My mum would probably be ironing and I'd sit there bored stiff through hours of dire tv.

Now New Years Eve means just me and the girls. I have no real family left and no close friends to go to. Took the girls out to eat and the cinema but now we are back home.

New Years also makes me look back and think what I've achieved over the last year and, to me, it's ever enough!

Anyway I hope that everyone else has a Happy New Year and may you get everything that you deserve in the New Year

Love Riki xxx

Lego

Ed Sheeran - Lego House

I really feel like this should be my theme song for the last few days. Rebecca got some Dr Who Lego for Christmas for her day and it came with 80 pages of instructions. It took two whole days to put together during which time various pieces were lost and found under the couch and there were several collapses including one of epic proportions when psycho cat took a flying leap and landing right on top of it.

I finally finished it last night with the help of a large brandy. Rebecca was very pleased this morning and managed to play with it for five whole minutes before breaking it! So probably not one of her most successful presents.

One present which has been much more successful is the Innotab. This is basically like an ipad for kids and is fantastic. Rebecca has struggled with other laptops designed for kids as most require you to read instructions on the screen. Being dyslexic, this obviously takes her longer and can be frustrating for her. The innotab though is different as all instructions are spoken and appear on screen as well. Also, it is completely touch screen. I would thoroughly recommend the Innotab for any children with dyslexia or any problems with auditory processing or co-ordination.

Bye for now,

Love Riki xxx

Statutory Assessment

I haven't written about this before, but I thought some people might find it useful to read about my experiences. I recently requested a Statutory Assessment for Rebecca. Although her school has I insisted that they are doing all they can for her, even without a fogmal diagnosis of dyslexia, her progress has been slow and tortuous. Her teacher has said several times that she wished she could spend more time helping Rebecca.

I first wrote to the head of the Local Education Authority using a sample letter provided by www.IPSEA.co.uk. This is a fantastic site who offer impartial help and advice to parents with special needs children. I stressed in the letter that I was prepared to appeal if rejected a d to go to a SEN tribunal if necessary.

I was then asked to submit evidence about Rebecca to support my application. I would advise other parents to make this as detailed as possible. I covered all problems she'd had since birth and also quoted the codes of practice that Education Authorities are supposed to follow. I also included copies of all reports I had ever received about Rebecca as appendixes. Her school and the Educational psychologists also provided evidence.

Once my evidence had been submitted iwas I voted to meet with the SEN officer assigned as my caseworker. This was useful as I was able to stress what outcome I wanted. The caseworker then presented my case to the SEN panel and thankfully they agreed! So Rebecca will now receive a full Statutory Assessment and will receive either a statement of special needs or a note in lieu. Either way, Rebecca will get extra help at school. The assessment is still ongoing so I will let you know what happens.

Speak soon, love Riki xxx

Gone in a flash

I spent months preparing for it and scraping money together, spent days wrapping presents and yet it sped by in the wink of an eye. Yep, Christmas is over for another year.

I love watching the kids open their presents and thankfully they were thrilled with everything this year; but once that's over then my spirits always sink a little. I think its the effort to be so bloody cheerful and jolly, including smiling at the ex when he makes his morning visit instead of sitting and working out what hes spent on the girls.

I suppose he should be grateful that he actually managed to see them on Christmas Day this year The stupid man broke his leg off roading on a motorbike in October and has seen the girls only twice since then. He hasn't had them overnight since August either.

So even Boxing Day is over now and it's back to hideous normality and working out whether my overdraft will cover the shopping bill this week or if not, which credit card can i squeeze it onto. My internet assessor contract finishes at the end of February and I seriously need to sort out a replacement job. This has been made even more urgent by my bank realising that I earn nowhere near as much as I used to and deciding to downgrade my bank account. I wouldn't care about this in itself but it also means my overdraft is reduced by 75% from March. I may need to sell a kidney!!!

Good job really that Christmas is over as the Christmas spirit has definitely left me now!

Baa Humbug! And speak to you soon

love Riki xx

Hiding in the bunker! Pass the tin helmet now!

Well, have spent the last few weeks dodging teenage verbal bullets so if I had a bunker then, believe me, I'd be cowering at the bottom.

Things got so bad with the Teenage Drama Queen that I actually appealed to the ex for help. This was after she had been so unremittingly nasty to me that I had ended up in tears for the fourth night running.  Needless to say, he was no use at all and even gave her money for the weekend. I only managed to get through to her a bit when I really told her exactly how she was making me feel which I think surprised her. I don't know how much of this was due to hormones as she has just started her periods too. Anyway, she started to come out of evil teenager mode and apart from a few relapses, she hasn't been too bad for the last week.

I am still having problems with how she treats Rebecca and Rebecca was definitely bothered by her sisters attitude to me. Poor Rebecca has been exhausted anyway as she has been trying again to stop sucking her thumb which means she hasn't slept as well and she is doing her SATS at school. The school has adapted the SATS for Rebecca. Her teacher agreed that it could be demoralising for her and we already know she is below the national averages so there's no benefit in her struggling through the ordinary paper.

On top of all this drama at home, i have been working like a dog at my Internet assessors job and finding it really difficult to fit the required hours in. Shame, because I need as much money as I can get especially with the Teenage Drama Queen's birthday coming up. I'm hoping the ex might help out financially with that, but am not holding my breath!!

If the peace treaty at home holds, there hopefully i will be around more regularly. Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

I Depend On Me

If Russell Crowe walked into my house now, told me he was single and I was the woman of his dreams, what would I do?

This might seem a random question if you didn't know that I'm watching Gladiator at the moment.

Anyway, I honestly think that I'd say Hi Russ, I'm very flattered but no thanks, not at the moment mate. The more I think about it, the more I can see me continuing on my own. I can't see how I could fit a relationship into my life as it stands and make it work. Part of me also doesn't want to have another person to take into consideration all the time. I do miss being in a relationship though, it's the sharing of stuff and having someone to rely on to help instead of knowing that the only person I can rely on is me. It makes you strong, but it's a bloody lonely position to be in.  I swore when the ex walked out that the girls would be my priority in life and they would always know that they come first. If I succeed in that, then nothing else matters really.

This has sort of been my theme song for the last 7 years

However brave I'm being though, Adele still makes me cry...


Bye for now

love Riki