What the future holds?

I was intending to write about my worries for Rebecca when in four years time she moves to senior school. However, as I am sitting here watching the reports of the Japan earthquake and the tsunami warnings, it seems daft to be worrying about something so far off when no one knows what fate has in store for us and the future can change so quickly. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by this and I pray the impact of the tsunami is less than anticipated!

My panic over Rebecca was triggered by talking to a friend whose severely dyslexic daughter is already at senior school. It does seem that the help given to dyslexics virtually disappears at senior school level which is scary as Rebecca is so well looked after at her primary school. I am even more determined that I must get an official assessment and diagnosis for her even if Ii have to pay for it privately. If she was just dyslexic, it would not be as bad, but she also has the auditory processing problems which is a form of listening dyslexia. I know I worry too much, God, I worry about everything. Her Dad doesn't worry though or show much interest in her development so it does fall totally on my shoulders.

Four years is a long time though so all we can do is keep plugging away and continue to build on her progress.

Bye for now and stay safe wherever you are in the world!

love Riki xxx

Stuck in the swamplands of my soul but striving for optimism!

When I woke up today (or basically when Rebecca woke me up an hour before the alarm by clambering into my bed!) the sky was blue, the sun was shining and it was a crisp bright morning. It's always easy to be happier when the weather is like this and today I have decided to move away from all my dark thoughts, guilt, worries and concerns (the swamplands that I seem to get stuck in continuously!) and I will be happy today and thankful for what I've got.

Firstly my two beautiful daughters. Yes, Rebecca has issues with her dyslexia and auditory processing problems but she is healthy, happy and the most open affectionate little girl I have ever met and she brings joy to my life every single day! Katherine may be a typical teenager but I am thankful for the bond we have and that unlike many of her friends, she will talk to me about anything and everything!

Secondly, I know my marriage broke down in hideous circumstances but if that hadn't happened then I wouldn't have realised how strong I am and would have stayed submerged in a marriage that I didn't realise was suffocating me until it ended.

Thirdly, I lost both my parents withing two years of my marriage ending. The timing sucked but there is no right time for this to happen! My Dad dying was a happy release, as his Parkinson's disease had already taken so much from him. As for my mum dying when she did, hmmm; not a release, a shock and I still have a lot of issues over her and our relationship that I accept now may never be fully resolved. However I am thankful that I understand those issues and their impact on me.

The weather has changed now, the blue sky has clouded over but I am still resolutely keeping that smile on my face. So today, take five minutes and try and find something that you are thankful for.

Bye for now and keep smiling!

love Riki xxxx

Yellow Pages

I am so lucky with Rebecca's school. Even without the formal diagnosis of dyslexia, they are doing so much for her. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was using the coloured reading rulers at home and that yellow seemed to be helping her focus. Not only has the school started using it too, but because her teacher saw it was helping, they have got her a writing book with yellow pages too. Apparently now she has been using this, the amount of letter reversals that she writes has reduced dramatically. They have now given me a similar book to use for her homework. It seems to be very common for dyslexics to have problems focusing on black on a white background. The reading rulers come in different colours and I would definitely recommend trying them.

My title today has a double meaning as I have a job next month delivering Yellow Pages catalogues. It's only a one off thing but the money isn't bad and every little helps!! I'm off now to buy one of the granny shopping trolleys on wheels so that I can push them along. I'll have 1000 to deliver in a week so that will keep me busy!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Getting the balance right

It's nearly half way through the weekend and I am torn by my usual weekend dilemma. Rebecca is at least a year behind the national average in literacy and numeracy and needs extra work. So how much extra work should I do with her at weekends? She has her usual homework and her special maths programme which we will work through tomorrow but I always end the weekend feeling guilty that I haven't done extra work with her. Conversely I also argue with myself that she works twice as hard as some other kids at school so having free time at weekends is also valuable.

It's a tough one to get right and I usually feel that I've failed dismally! Today I  did consciously take the decision not to do any schoolwork with Rebecca. She got up very early and has been a bit tired and grumpy so there's no point in pushing her today. Tomorrow will be homework and that will probably be all we get done. We will read tonight and tomorrow though.

So much about parenting is finding the right balance. I sometimes think being a tightrope walker would be easier.

Bye for now

Riki xxx

Self worth part two.

Well, my sense of self worth took a wallop tonight. We were at a meeting at my eldest girl's school to discuss her GCSE options. While we were walking around looking at the displays, we bumped into one of her friends who was there with her dad. We chatted for a while and I walked away thinking it was a pleasant exchange. My daughter then turned to me and said that I talked too much and that it was awkward because of me. I wanted to crumple on the spot and actually felt tears prickling in my eyes. I tried later to explain to my daughter that she had made me feel really bad and that it was a mean thing to say. I don't know if what I said got through to her but she did apologise.

I have been trying to put into practice Brene Brown's defences against shame and part of this was explaining to my daughter that her comment made me feel ashamed that I had embarrassed her. It's not easy though and I think it's harder when the person who is making you feel like this is your own child.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Self worth

How can you boost a child's sense of self worth? This is a child who is already showered with love by me. She is continually told that she is great and praised and congratulated for every achievement no matter how small. I still get the impression from her that she doesn't quite believe it though and she demonstrates lots of little signs of insecurity that back this up. Perhaps it's part of growing up. She's seven now and even her educational psychologist recognise that she is aware that she struggles with things her peer group find easy. She continually tells me how well she behaves at school and I wonder if she's latched onto that as something she can do better than some of the others.

Hopefully the girl picking on her will stop now. I spoke to her teacher and he was aware of it so it was true. He spoke to the girl and apparently she was much nicer today so we shall see how long it lasts.

I suppose my deepest fear is that Rebecca's low self esteem stems from her dad walking out when she was three months old. She used to say that daddy lived here until I was born and then he left. I have explained time after time that it was nothing to do with her but you don't know how much of that sinks in. It's heartbreaking to think that this might be the case as it's the one thing that i can never fix for her....

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Lies

I'm concerned tonight that Rebecca has been lying to me and I'm a bit concerned about her in general.

Today was her first day back at school and as we were walking home this afternoon, she told me a detailed story about one of her classmates calling her a baby and another boy joining in at lunchtime. I was concerned partly because this was not the first time that this girl has apparently done this although it was the first time that she had got someone else to join in. I was also troubled because Rebecca does act babyish as a defence mechanism when things get too difficult for her and her educational psychologist noted this year that she realises that she does things differently to her peers. So I started to wonder if she was feeling threatened and out of place at school and this girl was making it worse by name calling.

I phoned the school to try and speak to Rebecca's form teacher but he had already left for the day and the school secretary left a message saying that I wanted to speak to him in the morning.

So I thought this was dealt with, I would speak to her teacher and we would sort it out. However, just before bedtime Rebecca told me that the whole thing was a story and she had made it all up. Although this girl had said things in the past, nothing had happened today. She couldn't tell me why she had lied so I told her I was disappointed and that lying was wrong and then she went to bed.

I am not sure though which was the lie. Was it the story? or was she lying and pretending it was a story so that I didn't go into school and speak to her teacher? I really don't know!

I have decided to still have a word with him tomorrow. Partly because he is expecting me to want to speak to him but also just to check that Rebecca is happy and school and see if he is aware of any problems. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx